Two Pink Lines Changed My Life

When I decided to start this blog, I promised to be real...to put aside fears of judgement...to share my real joys and also my real struggles. So here goes....

Most know my past with Micah. That's just part of growing up in a small town. For those that don't, here's a crash course. 

I spent most of my life being the "good kid"...sassy...but a good kid. My family was, by all accounts, the picture of the American family. I grew up with parents that not only stayed together, but honestly loved each other. My brother was a star athlete and model son. I was a great student and involved in the arts. We were close, we traveled, we were heavily involved in church and never missed an activity. But my senior year of high school changed all that. 

So much of that year has been put out of my mind now...locked in a place that is reserved for dark nights when I'm alone with a glass of wine. I was being a teenager....stupid and reckless. I wanted to be something I wasn't, and was willing to compromise my values to get there. I was involved with people I shouldn't have been. Long story short, and a series of stupid decisions later, I was staring down at a pee strip with two pink lines that may have well said "Kiss life-as-you-know-it goodbye".

I couldn't have possibly known at that time just how much that series of decisions would change my life and the lives of those around me. Nearly 7 years later, I feel as though I am looking at the ashes of my childhood. Out of respect of those involved, I won't get into too many details, but I can see how my actions had a chain effect which seriously damaged the lives of nearly everyone I loved. 

I used to live by the motto "No regrets," but now I realize that it can only apply to my life. I have no regrets in regards to how my actions affected me. I found a way back to the person I should have been thanks to those decisions. I found redemption, happiness, and purpose thanks to those decisions. However, I am consumed by a tremendous amount of regret, guilt, and sadness because those same decisions had a profound effect on those that I love. 

I regret that my parents were too consumed with the consequences of my choices to focus on their own happiness. 

I regret that my brother chose a path of destruction his senior year as a result of my example. 

I regret that I stole part of my brother's childhood from him by thrusting him into a chaotic situation that he never asked for. 

I regret that my son is now forced to grow up in a broken home scenario amidst tension and argument. 

I regret that my daughter will never be privileged to have the relationship with her brother that I was given. 

I regret that my husband must constantly be faced with the reality of my baggage and the challenges it presents. 

I regret that our entire family walks on eggshells in fear of upsetting the sensitive balance of my relationship with my son's father. 

I regret that I tarnished my family name and my parents' pride in myself and my brother. 

I feel that so much bad was thrust onto my family because of me. The guilt and sadness of that reality is sometimes so overwhelming that it physically hurts. Sometimes I truly believe that this is God's punishment for my choices. Every choice has a consequence and these are mine to accept. 

I am so tired of being trapped in the past and burdened with blame and guilt. I am searching for peace by first facing reality, regardless of how much it may hurt. All I can see are the years passing by me, and I feel like this regret and guilt is robbing me of them.  

There is a song that is so powerful and so inspirational to me, that it keeps me believing that I can rise above my past. That song is "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts. My hope is that I can reach this point. The lyrics speak straight to my heart. The video is of the song and lyrics if you are interested in listening. 

Until next time, I'll meet you in Dreamland.